Recognizing Stages of Grief

My father recently passed away from pancreatic cancer at age 81. What a devastating disease! He lasted a mere two months. Thanks to attentive physicians and great hospice care, he was comfortable and at peace when he died.

For my mom, who was married to my father for nearly 60 years, grieving will be a process. In the medical field, we are taught to think about grief in five stages first described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Watching my mom walk through my father’s diagnosis and death, I caught glimpses of many of these stages in her emotions and responses. It is important to note that these stages were never meant to be all-inclusive or rigidly ordered. Depending on circumstances, certain stages may be more prominent than others, or not experienced at all.

Denial is indeed often the initial response to hearing that you have (or a loved one has) a terminal disease. We just can’t believe it is happening, especially when the one with the diagnosis looks so well on the outside or doesn’t feel that bad. Unfortunately, denial can result in poor judgment. Luckily for my parents, any flashes of denial were tempered by solid medical advice and faith in their doctors.

Anger is one of those ugly emotions that can pop up at any time. But, it is one that is not difficult to understand. I typically see anger as a reaction because of dreams that will go unfulfilled. My mom was humorously a little miffed that my father didn’t make it to their 60^th anniversary in April. But anyone familiar with my mother knows she is too strong a Christian to be truly angry. Significant, unresolved anger can signal deeper emotional or spiritual needs that can affect everything from pain management to dying a peaceful death.

Bargaining is the most interesting stage to me. There is a deep desire in us to bargain as Faust did with the devil for something unattainable… in this case, a cure. Sometimes we bargain with God: “If only you would spare him, I promise I would do anything!” In the terminal cancer arena, this bargaining often takes the guise of a search for alternative, unproven “snake oil” treatments. (Mexico, anyone?) To my parents’ credit, they did not pursue futile, expensive elixirs or elusive cures.

Depression and acceptance tend to wrestle with one another, with melancholy eventually fading and acceptance gaining the upper hand. At least that is what we expect with typical grief.

My mother is a strong, confident woman. She held her head high at my father’s funeral and presided over the reception and luncheon with poise and grace. She so appreciated having her sons and relatives with her! I feared she might not do well by herself after everyone left, but she firmly informed me that she needed some time alone to grieve. For her, that was the right decision. She will cry; she will remember. But she will go on, I have no doubt.

Grief shouldn’t be buried. Tears are OK, even desired. However, debilitating, ongoing depression is not healthy. A minority of people experience a complicated grief that requires significant emotional, psychosocial, even medical support. Hospices are obligated to offer bereavement services for families of patients. What most don’t know is that you don’t have to have lost someone on hospice to join a hospice bereavement group! If you are grieving a recent loss and want to talk to someone or participate in a support group, contact your local hospice for help. You don’t have to grieve alone.